Microsoft Announcement Template

MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES < insert new M$ application name >

REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In an effort to < insert M$'s lame idea about what user's need >, Microsoft announced today that < insert M$'s lame answer to lame idea >.

"< Dumb quote from a M$ employee about how user's will `benefit' from this new M$ application >" said a Microsoft spokesperson who requested to remain anonymous.

Industry analysts were quick to praise the decision, calling it "bold and innovative!" "This new < insert new M$ application name > will free Windows users from < some bug or missing feature which is M$'s fault in the first place >. It also gives Windows a new feeling of < something that would make anyone using any other OS fall asleep >", said a member of Ziff-Davis Publishing's Editorial Staff. "This is precisely why < insert competing software application's name > is failing in the marketplace -- they have failed to deliver a < enter quality that only a Business Major turned computer journalist could dream up >."

When asked when < insert new M$ application name > would be available, a Microsoft spokesperson said "< insert convoluted quote that convinces the user that the application will be released soon or even yesterday, but doesn't commit to any specific date >" The spokesperson also added, "It really doesn't matter since < insert new M$ application name > is destined to be the most < insert glorified praise for non-existent application and be sure to mention how it will be `powerful' and `dominate' the world software market >."

Market and industry analysts quickly agreed adding that "< insert new M$ application name > has already revolutionized the industry."

A spokesperson from < insert competing software vendor's name > disagreed however. "Microsoft is still trying to sell products that don't exist. < insert competing software vendor's name > has been shipping < insert competing product that is unheard of thanks to mass sucking of Bill The Gates's genitals by the public (and Joan L. Brewer) > since < insert date from pre-history (see Jurassic Park for examples) >. < insert new M$ application name > or whatever it's called, still relies on DOS's < insert stupid part of stupid DOS operating system > and is not a true < insert latest computer jive for "modern" >." He added that "users who think that < insert new M$ application name > will have no problems will be in for a surprise."

Most users seem to remain unconvinced however. "< insert new M$ application name > will < insert a nonsense list of things anyone using any other OS has been using since the ENIAC > and it won't have any bugs or compatibility problems because it's from Microsoft. Why should I buy < insert competing software application's name > which is less than perfect when < insert new M$ application name > is right around the corner?"

<Self-depricating humor tends to be good>



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3681 hits since August 12, 1997