I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't... My arm kept moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes longer.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
My school colors were clear.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
I went for a walk last night, and she asked me "How long are you going to be gone?" I said, "The whole time."
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
I like this new idea of voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go anywhere, you just walk down the street, and all of a sudden, "Ah]"
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The other day I saw a rabbit in the forest in front of a candle making pictures of humans on a tree.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool]"
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."
I was driving around recently and saw a sign that said "Rest stop: 25 miles". I thought, "Wow, that's pretty big. Those people must be tired."
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I make my own water -- two glasses of H, one glass of O.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm going to use it.
Ballerinas are always standing on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.