Rules To Live By

  1. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  2. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder . . .
  3. 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
  4. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  5. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  6. . . . Every morning is the dawn of a new error . . .
  7. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
  8. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone . . .
  9. I used up all my sick days so I'm calling in dead.
  10. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
  11. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  12. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
  13. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
  14. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
  15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
  16. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
  17. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
  18. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.
  19. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
  20. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
  21. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
  22. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
  23. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
  24. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
  25. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
  26. Computers are not intelligent; they only think they are.
  27. My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.
  29. The definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
  30. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
  31. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  32. 24 hours in a day . . . 24 beers in a case . . . coincidence?
  33. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
  34. Who's General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
  35. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
  36. Shell to DOS . . . Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS . . .
  37. All computers wait at the same speed.
  38. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
  39. Press <CTRL><ALT><DEL> to continue . . .
  40. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue . . .
  41. ACSII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
  42. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
  43. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
  44. Hit any user to continue.
  45. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
    Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
    (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down the entire network?
    (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
  46. If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
  47. Programmers don't die; they just GOSUB without RETURN.
  48. Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
  49. Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
  50. Will the information highway have any rest stops?

Page written by Matthew Darwin <>
3,523 hits since July 15, 1997