If computer companies made toasters
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted
for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five,
maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster.
You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for
it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a
reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small
city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the
first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your
toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to
find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but
nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast
the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every
morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service
department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for
the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files
would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and
gives you regular bread.
If Sony made toasters...
Their Personal Toasting Device, which would be barely larger than the
single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached
to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of
your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world.
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same
If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a
licking and keep on toasting.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or
you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If K-Tel sold toasters...
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of
If University of Waterloo made toasters...
They would immediately spin-off a company called WatToast.
If the PQ made toasters...
They wouldn't want to be on the same counter-top as the rest of the
Page written by Matthew Darwin
2898 hits since August 25, 1997