What's all the HOOPLA about? Programming Jargon, you neophyte

Object-oriented programming is confusing. Even the definition of object-oriented programming is open to many different interpretations. This sad state of affairs reduces productivity and hinders the spread of this exciting new technology.

All is not lost, though. With the announcement of HOOPLA (Hopelessly Obtuse Object Programming Language with Attachements), the ultimate in object-oriented development environments is available to even the most skeptical programmer. HOOPLA not only embodies all the paradigms and concepts of today's object-oriented languages, it provides many extensions and techniques to further obfuscate the art and science of computer programming.

The list of HOOPLA's benefits is nearly endless, but here are a few that will keep trainers busy for years to come.

• Metamorphism. Expanding on the concept of polymorphism, HOOPLA's powerful artificial intelligence automatically changes class libraries and objects while you are asleep. Based on the few lines of code you write today, HOOPLA "knows" that sooner or later you will have to code the details of the module and does it for you. Plus, the changes are hidden, ensuring that class ancestor code remains a mystery.

• Two-Parent Inheritance (TPI). Taking a cue from biology, TPI combines classes from separate hierarchies and subjects them to a "survival of the fittest" test. Any classes that don't cause unrecoverable application errors are incorporated as new derived classes.

• Dynamic Bondage and Discipline. Allows programmers to write a generic routine and use it over and over again, with unpredictable results. Through the discipline module, however, programmers can be assured instructions will be obeyed and unruly objects won't make the same mistake again.

• Object Insistence. Taking persistent objects one step further, insistent objects finally solve the most dreaded of programming errors: the accidental deletion of code. Insistent objects don't go away even when you want them to.

• Graphical Object-Oriented Programming (GOOP). Recognizing that some of the most brilliant ideas have resulted from doodles, GOOP provides the programmer with a library (a Dynamic Link Library, actually) of thousands of whirlygigs, curlicues, doodads, and whooziwhatzis that can be linked together using toolbar functions. When complete, the programmer simply clicks on the "invent" icon (a lightbulb) and reams of notation code are automatically generated. For the advanced programmer, this module comes with the Graphical Library Object Parser (GLOP).

Although object databases are relatively new, HOOPLA supports existing standards and sets the standards for future object-oriented database development with such robust constructs as ALIEN (Awfully Large Inclusions of Extra Nulls). Such powerful class types require a whole new approach to information retrieval, and HOOPLA stands up to the task with SMOKE (Single/Multiple Object Kwery and Extraction) and MIRROR (Massively Inefficient Random Retrieval of Object Resources).

HOOPLA is slated to sell for $895. During the introductory period, however, HOOPLA will be available as a competitive upgrade for $6.95 if the title page from any Nancy Drew mystery is included with the order. A HOOPLA representative said, "It is appropriate. We want to take the mystery out of object-oriented programming."